i hate feeling this way i really do and i know this sounds like constant bitching i mean whats wrong with my life? i have a roof over my head and ppl that  love me even though i dont beleive they do. i made my boyfriend cry tonight i called him stupid jokingly and he cried i heard him crying and he was just playing it off as if it was nothing and i know how much that hurt him but it took me too long to realize it and i hurt him. i promised him i wouldnt i said that i swore i wouldnt be a bitch even unintentionally and now i feel like a complete ass and he told me he just needed some time and that it was ok that i didnt know but i really should have really i should have knew that those assholes who called him names when he was younger probly used the S word and i shouldnt have said that even jokingly. i cried for a good 30 minutes untill my cousin called me

she called me to tell me that she was hurting so bad and that her mom, brother, and grandpa were not speaking to her and i know that hurts the most to be ignored to have ur own mother tell u that she is going to fuck you up because u needed a ride at 11 oclock at night because u didnt know the bus didnt run that late anymore. why did my aunt have to yell at her when they got home why did she have to scream untill my cousin was crying her eyes out and running into her room and why did she have to yell so loud my little cousin whom shouldnt be aware of this at all woke up and started crying too. why did she have to bitch to my cousins older brother and make him hate my cousin. she never had her mom she could never do right by my aunt but she always had her brother but that was taken from her too this time. why is it that my cousin the rock under my feet the sun in my sky the big sister i never had always has to go through emotional wrecks i heard her voice and i broke down she barely said hi and i started crying and asking if she was alright "safe" as if there really was a place that is safe. i want to know why it had to be her of all people shes the greatest person i know shes amazing really the total opposite of her mother and now... she has an eating disorder and its really bad right now. i dont know why but i cant even tell her i know what it feels like to ignore food and feel your stomach cramp and feel the painfull headaches how it hurts to even wake up. why i dont even have the strength to let her know that i KNOW how shes feeling how she needs to do that because she feels she deserves it... everyone in my family is FUCKED in the head everyone plays the victums and u know what me and her we never do i accept whatever punishment and shit anyone has to give me but sumhow it was all my fault or her fault somehow it always comes back to us ironic isnt it the only 2 people in our families that actually know whats really going on are actually the scapegoats the ones that everyone blames

lastly i suppose is that my best friend is pregnant..... she doesnt know what shes going to do ...i dont know what she should do. i know ill be here for her but i have no idea whats going to happen her boyfriend says hes gonna be there but honestly there are dead beat dads everywhere EVERYWHERE and boys dont function properly theyre idiots and they dont know what the fuck theyre doing. and you know what im sick of that as well. he cant even fucking trust her how is the relationship going to survive if they decide to keep it? i can already see it falling apart and that makes me so sad.... depressed and ...

i feel lonely i feel like im the only person suffering from dissapointment and depression and self hatred and everything you can think of and you know i dont want to be here anymore i want to run away i dont want to live here or anywhere anyone knows me i want to run.....

well hopefully thats all of it cause xangas being dumb :C lol commentssssss :P